1 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:14,389 {\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪ 2 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,307 {\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,436 {\an8}♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:23,064 {\an8}♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,817 {\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,745 B7. 7 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,413 - Miss. - Again? 8 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,915 - Yup. - Jesus, that's eight misses. 9 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:43,043 Yes, it is. 10 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,127 Did you put your ships in? 11 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,211 No, I did not. 12 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,254 What the fuck, dude? 13 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:47,630 While you were militarizing, 14 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,924 I allocated my funds toward infrastructure-- 15 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,427 roads and bridges, schools and hospitals, John. 16 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:53,636 The needs of my people. 17 00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:54,804 That's not how the game works. 18 00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,806 It's not a game, you son of a bitch! 19 00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,266 Jesus, OK. 20 00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:01,019 Sorry, I think I've been watching too much "M.A.S.H." 21 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,104 Boys, come upstairs. 22 00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,231 It's cookie-frosting time. 23 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,400 We gonna do this? 24 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,235 Lori Loughlin's on "Oprah" at 3:00, 25 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,779 so I was gonna jerk off. 26 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:11,988 But I guess I can tape it. 27 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,239 You're a good son. 28 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,167 {\an8}Oh, hey, Sarah. 29 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,210 {\an8}Hey, Ted. 30 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,378 {\an8}How's the pot business? 31 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:29,381 {\an8}The... crock pot business 32 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,383 {\an8}is doing just fine, thanks. 33 00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:33,677 {\an8}Sarah, I don't think you've met my cousin John. 34 00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:34,803 {\an8}- Hi. - Hi. 35 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,305 {\an8}Sarah's Blaire's friend from college. 36 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:39,432 {\an8}Her trip to California was canceled, 37 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,102 {\an8}so she's staying with us for Christmas. 38 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,269 {\an8}She's... Indian. 39 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,854 {\an8}Aunt Suze, you-- 40 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,314 {\an8}you don't have to say that. 41 00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:47,774 {\an8}Oh, I don't mind. 42 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,276 {\an8}Sarah shouldn't have to tell people she's Indian. 43 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,528 {\an8}Thank you. 44 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,029 {\an8}Aren't you glad you stayed for this? 45 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,823 {\an8}- Mm. - OK, tools... 46 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,157 {\an8}Oh, thank you. 47 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,618 {\an8}For my little assistants here. 48 00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,994 {\an8}Do you want to make the colostomy bag joke, 49 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,037 {\an8}or should I? 50 00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,622 {\an8}Well, Sarah is the guest. 51 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,333 {\an8}Sarah, would you like to make the colostomy bag joke? 52 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,918 {\an8}I'm all good. Thanks. 53 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,963 {\an8}Johnny, I need you outside. 54 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,173 {\an8}There's a raccoon frozen in the ice next to the driveway. 55 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:13,466 {\an8}I got to chip him out of there. 56 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:14,801 {\an8}Well, what do you need me for? 57 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,970 {\an8}Need you to bag up the pieces for the homeless. 58 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,513 {\an8}Wait, do you only give stuff to the homeless 59 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,973 {\an8}when you don't want to go to the dump? 60 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,183 {\an8}Matty, honey, this is Sarah, 61 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,893 {\an8}Blaire's Indian friend. 62 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,146 {\an8}Aunt Suze, you really don't have to add that. 63 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,272 {\an8}I had Indian food once. 64 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:28,523 {\an8}Blew right through me. 65 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,942 {\an8}I'll pass that on up the ladder. 66 00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,235 {\an8}Do what you want to do. 67 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,194 {\an8}I'm just telling you what happened. 68 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,654 {\an8}All right, John, let's go. 69 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,323 {\an8}Well, actually, I'm helping Mom frost the cookies. 70 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,658 {\an8}Well, you can do that later. 71 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,160 {\an8}She asked him first, Matty. 72 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,161 {\an8}You can wait your turn. 73 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,370 {\an8}Are you kidding me? 74 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:43,997 {\an8}Jesus Christ, when I was your age, 75 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,999 {\an8}I would have killed to shovel ice with my dad. 76 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,209 {\an8}Yeah, I can see how chopping up a dead raccoon 77 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,211 {\an8}would be a father-son memory maker. 78 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:51,671 {\an8}So you're not gonna help? 79 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,632 {\an8}Well, I got a lot of cookies to frost, Dad. 80 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,926 {\an8}Spoken like a real man. 81 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,386 {\an8}Which means what? 82 00:02:58,386 --> 00:02:59,846 {\an8}No, no, no, no, it's fine. You know what? 83 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,682 {\an8}Stay here and frost your cookies with the ladies. 84 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:05,101 {\an8}Maybe we can go see a Broadway show after. 85 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,437 {\an8}Oh, Matty, could we? 86 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:11,941 {\an8}So your implication is that John is, what, gay 87 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,234 {\an8}because he's frosting cookies? 88 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,486 Susan, help me out here. 89 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,529 Look at that. 90 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,574 Is that an elf with his big candy cane? 91 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,951 No, it's a barber pole. The elf just got a haircut. 92 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,536 Oh, I love it. 93 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,997 Oh, Matty, come look at the elf's haircut. 94 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,874 Fuck, Jesus Christ! 95 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,834 You know, when I was just a little bit older than you, 96 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,169 I was in Vietnam. 97 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,379 Did I ever tell you about the time 98 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,339 I thought I saw a clown in a field 99 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,383 but it was just an inside-out guy? 100 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:38,593 Know what? Forget it. 101 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,595 Frost your gay cookies. 102 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,099 Did he just call you gay 103 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,060 and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder? 104 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,311 Yup. 105 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,729 Maybe he's still figuring shit out. 106 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,731 Well, it is always the homophobes. 107 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,400 You know, I never understood that word. 108 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,859 - What word? - "Homophobe." 109 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,569 It's prejudice against gay people. 110 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,696 Yeah, but, like, shouldn't it mean, 111 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,947 like, scared of gay people? 112 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,448 Yeah, I've always wondered that too. 113 00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,867 Like, every other phobe is, like, scared. 114 00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,744 That is what "homophobe" means. 115 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,746 No, no, but it's-- it is different, right? 116 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,623 Like, in "Arachnophobia," Jeff Daniels 117 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,041 is scared of spiders because he thinks 118 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:11,251 they're gonna, like, hurt him 119 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,752 or, like, kill him or something. 120 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,754 Yeah, it's not like, oh, I'm scared of spiders 121 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,840 'cause I think they're gonna make me a spider 122 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,009 or they're gonna take over the school 123 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,760 and teach spider stuff. 124 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,762 - Stop talking. - I mean, if I was a homophobe, 125 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,598 wouldn't I see a gay guy and be like, aah, a gay guy! 126 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:26,683 Run! 127 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,145 Is the bear always like this? 128 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,271 I'm so sorry. 129 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,691 Whew! 130 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,027 Didn't even run that far. 131 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:41,114 So... Bollywood, 132 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,949 is that you guys? 133 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:51,624 Come on, Matty, we're gonna be late for church. 134 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,126 No, I'm taking the week off. 135 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,669 Pats are playing Buffalo. 136 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:58,631 But it's the last Sunday service before Christmas Eve. 137 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,258 And Father Odell says that if you don't 138 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,135 cultivate a relationship with God, 139 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,261 you're going to hell. 140 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,347 Can't be worse than one of his sermons. 141 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,681 Well, if he's that boring, 142 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,683 then why is the Boston Globe Spotlight Team 143 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,643 doing a big story on him? 144 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,645 Matty, Susan has a choir solo today. 145 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,564 I'll be at the next one, all right? I promise. 146 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,149 Jesus, it's 45 fucking minutes. 147 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,150 You can't do this for her? 148 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,485 Oh, it's all right. 149 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,819 He works hard all week. 150 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,322 If he wants to rest on a Sunday, let him rest. 151 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,865 It's what the Lord did. 152 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,283 No, it's not all right, though. 153 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,868 He's acting like a selfish jerk. 154 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,161 I'm selfish? 155 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,162 Wait a minute. 156 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,497 I work 60 hours a week 157 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,040 so that you guys can have a fridge 158 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,875 full of Eggos and Fanta. 159 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:34,918 He's right. 160 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,836 We do take the Fanta for granted. 161 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,255 - Here you go, Mom. - Oh, thank you, sweetie. 162 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,383 - Yeah. - Hey, what's that? 163 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,886 Oh, it's the toys for the Toys for Tots gift drive. 164 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,721 That's Dennis the dump truck. 165 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,098 Uh-huh. 166 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,307 You can't give him away. 167 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,851 Well, it's been in our basement for years. 168 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,353 Yeah, but I've had him since I was a kid. 169 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,604 That means a lot to me. 170 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439 You named your dump truck Dennis? 171 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,400 Keep my truck's name out your mouth. 172 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,361 Oh, honey, but you never play with it. 173 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,529 Well--well, I'm gonna-- 174 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,822 I'm gonna start playing with him. 175 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,365 Oh, you're gonna start playing with it now 176 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,574 at fucking 50? 177 00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:07,992 Yes, I'm gonna-- 178 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,994 I'm gonna start playing with him all the time. 179 00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:11,329 Starting right now. See? 180 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,456 Vroom, vroom. 181 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:16,292 Oh, yeah, we'll deliver that peat moss. 182 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,044 Yeah, we will. Vroom. 183 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,171 - Hey, that looks fun. - Yeah, can we play? 184 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,589 - No. - Aw. 185 00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:22,632 Vroom, vroom. 186 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,300 What the fuck is happening? 187 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,094 Vroom. 188 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,137 Why are you still here? 189 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,638 Her flight was canceled, 190 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,141 so she's staying with us for Christmas. 191 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,809 Hang on a second. 192 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,311 We got company here for the whole holidays 193 00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:36,771 and nobody even asked me? 194 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,816 I can find somewhere else to stay if it's a problem. 195 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,192 No. Please, no. 196 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:42,694 No. Absolutely not. 197 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:43,820 Susan said it's fine. Don't worry about him. 198 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,780 What, I don't get a say in my own house? 199 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:46,823 Oh, Matty, I think you're being 200 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,783 a little silly about this. 201 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,036 Nobody ever takes my side in this house ever! 202 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,580 It's always me against everybody else. 203 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,956 Well, maybe somebody would take your side 204 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,624 if you weren't always spreading your shitty mood 205 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,001 all over the house. - Fine! 206 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,586 Your friend can stay for the week. 207 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,421 Go have fun at church. See? I'm nice. 208 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,214 Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge. 209 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,216 And God bless us, every one. 210 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,053 Well, at least Scrooge was a good businessman. 211 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,138 Yeah, and Tiny Tim's condition was preexisting. 212 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,765 Scrooge shouldn't have to cover it. 213 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,475 - Exactly! - Can I play with the truck? 214 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,185 - No. - Aw. 215 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:29,532 ♪ Silent night ♪ 216 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:34,204 ♪ Holy night ♪ 217 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:38,625 ♪ All is calm ♪ 218 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:43,213 ♪ All is bright ♪ 219 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:47,509 ♪ Round yon virgin ♪ 220 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:52,263 ♪ Mother and child ♪ 221 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,934 ♪ Holy infant ♪ 222 00:07:55,934 --> 00:08:00,730 ♪ So tender and mild ♪ 223 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,400 Wait, who describes an infant as mild? 224 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,068 Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender. 225 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,070 Yeah, somebody's eating this baby. 226 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,906 ♪ Peace ♪ 227 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:14,994 ♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪ 228 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:19,165 ♪ Peace ♪ 229 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,626 Thank you to the choir 230 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,046 and to Susan Bennett for that wonderful solo. 231 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,131 Where's Matty? 232 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,676 Oh, he wasn't feeling well today. 233 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,678 It's important that we remember just why 234 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,805 we celebrate Christmas. 235 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,850 We observe the holiest of all days 236 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:41,438 to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, 237 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,773 born not from the seed of man 238 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,900 but from divine origin. 239 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,904 Never before or since have we, God's children, 240 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,700 been blessed by such a miracle. 241 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,618 Excuse me. 242 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:56,828 Yeah, over here. 243 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,039 Hi. Ted, local bear. 244 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,874 You're talking about a guy who came alive 245 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,250 out of nowhere, right? 246 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,376 Yes. 247 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,003 Yeah, me. 248 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,212 I'm sorry? 249 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,631 I'm just saying, he's not the only one. 250 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,884 I don't think that's the same thing. 251 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,927 Well, you said, never before or since. 252 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,306 But... You know, this guy. 253 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,892 The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle. 254 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,143 I mean, what do you call this? 255 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,853 I mean, I don't see any Pound Puppies 256 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,605 or Monchhichis walking around. 257 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:26,858 Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, 258 00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,611 marked by the star of Bethlehem, 259 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,529 a miraculous beacon from the heavens. 260 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:33,615 - There was a star there. - There was a star, right? 261 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,908 Yeah, no, it was a shooting star. 262 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:35,950 - I had a star. - Yeah. 263 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,203 Jesus had a divine purpose. 264 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:41,748 God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us. 265 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,375 I love you. 266 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,793 Your move, Friar Tuck. 267 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,252 I just want to finish the sermon. 268 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,046 I'm just saying, I might be Jesus. 269 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,923 Might. I'm not saying for sure. 270 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,675 I'm just saying it's a possibility. 271 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:52,926 I might be Jesus. 272 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,928 That is incredibly disrespectful. 273 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,763 Says the guy eating babies. 274 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,432 So third and 10. 275 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,767 There he goes. 276 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,439 Fucking Patriots! 277 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,108 You see that, Dennis? 278 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,069 Why couldn't I have been born in Buffalo? 279 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,779 I'd be winning every year. 280 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,198 God! Buffalo has it all. 281 00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:18,410 Let's leave something special for Santa this year: 282 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,328 Jell-O Pudding Pops! 283 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,329 children: Yay! 284 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,831 Santa's gonna love it. 285 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,251 Happy holidays from Jell-O Pudding Pops! 286 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,840 Bet Bill Cosby's having a good Christmas. 287 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,384 Bet he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of women 288 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,219 telling him he's a jerk. 289 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:41,933 You know, used to be, the man of the house said his piece, 290 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,893 everybody just fell in line. 291 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,438 Now it's like fucking "Jerry Springer" in here. 292 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,068 Bet if you could talk, you'd take my side. 293 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,571 Have another beer, Matty. You've earned it. 294 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,489 Ah, well, thanks, Dennis. 295 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,867 I think I will. 296 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,662 And--and--and take your socks off, Matty. 297 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,330 I don't mind the smell of your feet 298 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,791 because I know that's not something you can control. 299 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,460 Well, I appreciate that, Dennis. 300 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,086 Thank you. Thank you. 301 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,339 Hey, Matty. Yeah? 302 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,341 Shouldn't there be a White History Month too? 303 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:18,303 Well, Dennis, you said it, not me. 304 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,604 Ah! 305 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,231 That was a hell of a floss. 306 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,612 Nothing feels better than getting stuff 307 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,739 out of places, right? 308 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,702 Let me know when you want to take a run 309 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,080 at that ingrown hair on my neck. 310 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,585 Am I still getting the silent treatment? 311 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,672 Look, I already said I'm sorry I missed your solo. 312 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,548 You know I can't sit on wood. 313 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,258 It aggravates my hemorrhoids. 314 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:03,098 Oh, so my hemorrhoids are my fault, too, I guess, huh? 315 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,476 It ain't the post office down there, Susan. 316 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,478 This stuff doesn't just show up on its own. 317 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,105 There's effort involved. 318 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,737 Might get one of those-- one of those doughnut pillows. 319 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,863 No. You know what? 320 00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,448 You don't get to hear about it. 321 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,318 Hey! 322 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,906 You wished me to life, fuck face! 323 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,046 How the hell did this happen? 324 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,839 Just like it happened with Ted. 325 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,216 I was looking out the window. 326 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,967 Shooting star flies by. 327 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,010 I made a wish. 328 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,220 And here I am. 329 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,429 Is this house cursed? 330 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,181 Hey, Susan, can I smoke in here? 331 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,641 If he smokes, I get to smoke. 332 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:12,268 I'm sorry, Dennis, if I let you smoke, 333 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,688 I'll have to let all the toys smoke. 334 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:15,730 Yeah, fuck. 335 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,856 Hey, can I ask you something? 336 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,191 How did it feel for you? 337 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,484 Yeah, one minute, nothing. 338 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,610 The next, I can talk. 339 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,404 Was there a feeling like acid reflux, 340 00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,363 like, right after? 341 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698 Oh, yeah, bad. 342 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,574 It also felt like I had to pee, but I couldn't. 343 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:27,826 Yup. Same here. 344 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:29,661 Must be what happens when toys come to life. 345 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:33,707 So you just wished for your truck to come alive? 346 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,250 Not exactly. 347 00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,418 I wished there was someone in the house 348 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,211 who'd back me up in an argument. 349 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,379 Next thing I know, I could move 350 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,214 and I hated the fucking Yankees. 351 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,550 Well, I guess it's a Christmas miracle. 352 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,136 So, like, were there murders here? 353 00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,762 Like, was a grave desecrated? 354 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,347 Jesus Christ, look at this. Look at this. 355 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,808 They're giving free visas to tech workers. 356 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,810 Oh, fucking A. They're coming. 357 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,437 - Who? - Immigrants. 358 00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:58,398 Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Him too? 359 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,066 Yeah, those affirmative action bozos 360 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,818 are probably jumping for joy. 361 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,446 No shit, watching them take all the goddamn jobs. 362 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,905 You do know affirmative action 363 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,241 isn't about taking things away, right? 364 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,451 It's about including people 365 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,119 who've been discriminated against. 366 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,328 Oh, come on! 367 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,288 Oh, here we go again with this again. 368 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:14,581 What a bunch of bullshit. 369 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,207 So you're saying we should give people jobs 370 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,667 based on the color of their skin. 371 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,879 I'm saying that things have been unequal for centuries 372 00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,422 and we should balance the scales. 373 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,007 So yeah. 374 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,842 OK, see, now, that's racist. 375 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:26,926 You're the one who's defending 376 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,428 a white-dominated workforce. 377 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,846 Hey, I don't care if they're purple, 378 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,389 green, or orange, all right? 379 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,433 I just don't want them Black, brown, or yellow. 380 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,560 - Oh, my God, dude, really? - Whoa, Jesus, dude. 381 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,396 Come on, it's a fucking joke. Relax. 382 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,689 OK, look, brown person over here. 383 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,442 Just FYI, my parents moved here from India, 384 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,152 and they built a very successful business 385 00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,487 all on their own. 386 00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,238 And they had to work twice as hard to do it. 387 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,074 Business owners. All right. OK. 388 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,742 Your parents vote for Clinton or Bush? 389 00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,453 Well, I mean, they voted for Bush, but I-- 390 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,704 - Holy shit! - Ah, see, there it is. 391 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,081 There it is. - Check-fucking-mate! See? 392 00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,290 This is why Dennis. 393 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,125 This is why Dennis! 394 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,627 But I voted for Clinton. 395 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,629 You know what this is? Fucking Republicans. 396 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,756 I swear to God, all you guys care about 397 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,216 is winning the argument. 398 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:09,052 You don't care about actual change or justice. 399 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,720 It's all about feeling fake smart 400 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,013 for, like, two seconds. 401 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,181 Let me ask you this. 402 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,432 What about the world beyond you? 403 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,810 What about other people and their needs? 404 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,478 Jesus, what are you getting all mad about? 405 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,480 You got two broads on the Supreme Court now. 406 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,691 You're winning. - Yeah, there you go, right? 407 00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:24,818 Two out of nine is pretty darn good. 408 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,236 OK. You know what? 409 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:27,987 I am used to taking this crap from Matty, 410 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,032 but I'm not gonna take it from some random piece of shit 411 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,450 that just came to life. 412 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,119 No offense, Ted. - All good. 413 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,537 Come on. Let's go. 414 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:42,085 So we just don't care that I'm Jesus, huh? 415 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,871 - Mm. - Oh, my God. 416 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,789 Hi. 417 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:24,377 I was just checking to see if you're OK after-- 418 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,590 Well, it looks like you're OK. 419 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:34,095 Wait, wait, Aunt Suze. 420 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:36,014 There's something you should know. 421 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,183 What? 422 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,226 Me and Sarah are-- 423 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,481 - We're a couple, like, dating. - Yeah. 424 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,900 No. 425 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,152 both: Yeah. - No. 426 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:53,031 You're just very good friends. 427 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,116 - No. - No, that's not-- 428 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,201 what you just saw-- 429 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,744 What I saw 430 00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,455 was you expressing your good friendship, 431 00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:02,332 just like the girls on the tennis team 432 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,959 used to do when I was in school. 433 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,670 You know what? 434 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,796 Maybe you're right. 435 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,756 Maybe that's for the best. 436 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,425 We're just... really good friends. 437 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,386 Wait. What? 438 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,221 Sarah, people in this house think Liberace 439 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,348 just had a lot of personality, OK? 440 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,433 I think good friends is as far as they're gonna go. 441 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,770 Gosh, that Liberace sure was full of spunk, wasn't he? 442 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,730 Blaire, no, OK? 443 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:26,731 I'm tired of this. 444 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,108 We keep hiding it everywhere we go. 445 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,734 - I know. - It's bullshit. 446 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,069 OK, well, you think my uncle's gonna be cool 447 00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,153 with this? - Oh, come on. 448 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,321 Especially with Dennis around? 449 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,739 Who gives a fuck what he thinks? 450 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,117 And why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck 451 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,285 thinks about my sexuality? 452 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,870 There's a sentence you don't hear every day. 453 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,539 Wouldn't it be easier to just tell them 454 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:43,790 we're more than good friends? 455 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,711 I really think that if we just take a minute, 456 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,713 we'd be saving ourselves a lot of stress, 457 00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:51,965 all right, at least till after Christmas. 458 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:55,844 We have very little going on January 3rd. 459 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,886 Great. 460 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,054 Yeah, that works. 461 00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,514 - All right. - Thank you, Suze. 462 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:06,187 January 3rd, put it on the calendar. 463 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,328 Oh, my God, did I tell you somebody broke into my car 464 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,955 and whacked off on the dashboard? 465 00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:25,665 Yes, like, 50 fucking times. 466 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,959 Right. Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays. 467 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,377 Can we not turn on each other? 468 00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:30,837 Fine. Let me braid your hair. 469 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,213 Thank you. 470 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,010 OK, we can't read this whole thing. 471 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,095 Well, if we're gonna figure out if I'm actually Jesus, 472 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,347 we at least got to skim it. 473 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,724 I have never seen pages so thin. 474 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,933 I know. 475 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,643 It's like Kleenex with boring stories on it. 476 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:46,770 You know, I was thinking. 477 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,980 How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus? 478 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,982 Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right? 479 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,233 Walked! 480 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,318 That means he had feet, not wheels. 481 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:54,986 Yeah, that makes sense. 482 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,447 Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there. 483 00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:58,448 Look, look, look. 484 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,533 Matthew 21:31, 485 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,369 "Truly I say to you, 486 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,371 "the tax collectors and prostitutes 487 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,414 go into the kingdom of heaven before you." 488 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:07,540 Look at that. 489 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,958 Jesus hangs out with hookers. 490 00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,502 Yeah, and he says there's hookers in heaven too. 491 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:11,836 He sounds a lot like you. 492 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,797 Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers. 493 00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,548 Wait, so you're paying for sex in heaven? 494 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,716 You're not paying them for sex. 495 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,176 You're paying them to fly away. 496 00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:19,177 Oh. 497 00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:20,428 Let's see. 498 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,556 "And behold, I come quickly, 499 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,934 and my reward is with me to give"-- 500 00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,394 What was that first part? 501 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,396 "Behold, I come quickly." 502 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,189 - Jesus said that? - Yeah. 503 00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:34,150 Yeah, that's not the kind of thing I'd start with "behold." 504 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,528 What else? 505 00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,238 Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there. 506 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,739 John the apostle. 507 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,825 Jesus had an apostle named John. 508 00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:42,909 Holy shit. 509 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,661 Those were, like, his buddies, right? 510 00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,830 Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, 511 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,206 Johnny, Blitzen, 512 00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,041 and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. 513 00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,292 There's no doubt anymore. 514 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,877 I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. 515 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:54,170 Holy shit. 516 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,964 Does this mean you have, like, powers and stuff? 517 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,049 Yeah, but I probably got to learn how to use them. 518 00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,509 Flip to the spells. 519 00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,052 - OK, spells, spells, spells. - Spells, spells, spells. 520 00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:02,262 Wonder what my alignment is. 521 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,264 - Chaotic good. - Ah, yeah, yeah. 522 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,473 Good, but, like, you know, I might 523 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:06,975 fuck around a little bit. - Yeah. 524 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,019 Shit, we supposed to have dice? 525 00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:16,192 Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack, 526 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,861 and a Black guy walk into a bar-- 527 00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,529 - Oh, my fucking God. Really? - Wow. 528 00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:21,114 Hey, watch the language. 529 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,282 Tell your stupid truck that. 530 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:23,950 He's telling racist jokes. 531 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,326 I'm not racist. 532 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:26,619 The punch line wasn't gonna be about the Black guy. 533 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,912 It was gonna be about the Jew... 534 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,081 and, to a lesser extent, about the Polack 535 00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:32,208 and a little bit about the Black guy's penis. 536 00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:33,752 - See? - The point is, 537 00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:36,087 none of them knew how deep the water was. 538 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:37,922 Ow! Hey! This is assault! 539 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,257 I'm being assaulted here! 540 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:41,134 So much for the nonviolent left. 541 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:42,469 It's Christmas Eve. 542 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,429 Can't we just have a nice dinner together? 543 00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:45,889 Yes, we can. 544 00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:47,182 It's a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan. 545 00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:48,475 Thank you. 546 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,393 Yeah, everything looks really great. 547 00:21:50,393 --> 00:21:51,811 Thank you, girls. Thank you. 548 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,104 - You want some of this? - Yes, please. 549 00:21:53,104 --> 00:21:54,272 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 550 00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:55,357 What? What? What? 551 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,649 It's Christmas Eve. 552 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,818 We got to say grace, thank the Lord. 553 00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:00,779 - You're welcome. - Fine. 554 00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:02,530 Dennis, would you like to do the honors? 555 00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,532 Absolutely. Bow your heads. 556 00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:07,243 - Dear Lord... - Yes. 557 00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:08,870 - Thank you for this food... - No problem. 558 00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:10,413 - And for these blessings... - Anytime. 559 00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:11,581 - Make us thankful. - On it. 560 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:13,416 - And may we serve you-- - Mashed potatoes. 561 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:15,251 What the fuck? You want to say grace? 562 00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:16,378 Nah, I'd feel like an asshole. 563 00:22:16,378 --> 00:22:17,671 Amen. 564 00:22:17,671 --> 00:22:19,964 Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis. 565 00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,341 Now you can eat. 566 00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,134 Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission. 567 00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:25,428 Hey, you know, I hope the PC thought police 568 00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:27,180 over at that college don't kick you out 569 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,556 for praying to Jesus. 570 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:29,891 You know, 70% of the world 571 00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:31,685 doesn't even believe in Jesus. 572 00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,478 - I'll get them. - Yeah, those are 573 00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:35,313 all the starving countries with no food. 574 00:22:35,313 --> 00:22:38,817 Oh, so God loves Americans more, is that the theory? 575 00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,694 Yeah, not for long if Slick Willy 576 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,946 fucks things up by putting gays in the military. 577 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,073 For God's sake, what would Reagan say? 578 00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:46,282 Right now? 579 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,867 Probably something about choo-choo trains. 580 00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,161 Would anyone like some mushroom caps? 581 00:22:50,161 --> 00:22:52,414 Uncle Matty, do you agree with Dennis 582 00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:54,124 that gay people shouldn't serve? 583 00:22:54,124 --> 00:22:55,375 I think it's a bad idea. 584 00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:56,418 Why? 585 00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:57,711 You want to put a gay guy 586 00:22:57,711 --> 00:22:59,838 in a barracks with 20 regular guys? 587 00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,715 What happens when they all got to shower? 588 00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,550 I don't know, Matty. What happens? 589 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,759 Plus, the Bible says 590 00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:06,469 no butt stuff, or you go to hell. 591 00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:08,054 Hey, where's the spell section? 592 00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:09,723 So it's immoral too? 593 00:23:09,723 --> 00:23:11,349 Gay people should all go to hell, 594 00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:12,642 that's what you think? 595 00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:14,144 Listen, I don't care! 596 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,271 Anybody can stick anything anywhere they want, 597 00:23:16,271 --> 00:23:19,107 as long as it's not in the army and not in my house. 598 00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:21,735 Well, then I guess Sarah and I aren't welcome here. 599 00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:23,987 What do you mean? 600 00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,741 Sarah and I are a couple. 601 00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:30,076 - Called it, Johnny. - Motherfucker. 602 00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:33,163 Blaire, I thought we were gonna do this on January 3rd. 603 00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:34,998 Wait a minute. 604 00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:37,125 You--the two of you? 605 00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,835 - Oh, my God. - Mm. 606 00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:40,211 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 607 00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:41,588 What the fuck is this? 608 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,131 What are you gonna do about it? 609 00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:44,507 You're gay? 610 00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:46,718 - Fluid. - What the hell does that mean? 611 00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:49,429 It means that I'm attracted to personalities 612 00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:50,597 regardless of their gender. 613 00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,682 Oh, Jesus Christ. 614 00:23:52,682 --> 00:23:54,100 You're attracted to personalities, 615 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,268 and you picked her? 616 00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:56,353 - Hey! - Oh, fuck you. 617 00:23:56,353 --> 00:23:57,437 You've met six people. 618 00:23:57,437 --> 00:23:58,605 It's that college. 619 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,607 - It's that college! - Oh, my God. 620 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:01,775 Susan, what am I always saying? 621 00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:03,443 College turns people gay. 622 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:04,569 College turns people gay. 623 00:24:04,569 --> 00:24:06,154 Absolutely right! 624 00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:08,656 Out there on the lawn every weekend, 625 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,325 tossing the Frisbee around. 626 00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,118 How the fuck is Frisbee gay? 627 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:13,620 It's a sport where nobody wins. 628 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,038 It's only about the fun. 629 00:24:15,038 --> 00:24:16,206 So what? 630 00:24:16,206 --> 00:24:17,415 And what's this? 631 00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,334 What's this, doing this all the time, huh? 632 00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:20,710 That's not a man's sport. 633 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:22,253 You might as well be on a balcony 634 00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:23,630 waving goodbye to your lover. 635 00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,048 Making those clap catches, 636 00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:26,675 like you're front row at Elton John. 637 00:24:26,675 --> 00:24:28,301 Oh, the clap catch. 638 00:24:28,301 --> 00:24:30,553 Yeah, clap catching your Wham-O Frisbee. 639 00:24:30,553 --> 00:24:31,721 You know why it's called Wham-O? 640 00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:33,431 You turn around, you bend over to pick up 641 00:24:33,431 --> 00:24:34,641 up your Frisbee, and wham-o! 642 00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:35,934 Oh, you know what? 643 00:24:35,934 --> 00:24:37,519 You wish you were a Frisbee, you little shit. 644 00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:39,938 And I'm so sorry that our sexual orientation 645 00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:41,815 is so offensive to everyone. 646 00:24:41,815 --> 00:24:43,316 Merry fucking Christmas. 647 00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,317 Come on, Sarah. 648 00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,443 Blaire. 649 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:46,444 Blaire, honey, wait. 650 00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,696 Thank you. 651 00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:50,782 Matty, please apologize to her. 652 00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:52,951 - Me? - Yes, you. 653 00:24:52,951 --> 00:24:55,036 She should be apologizing to God. 654 00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:56,496 Oh, he says it's fine. No worries. 655 00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:57,997 But it's the holidays. 656 00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,791 I'm not gonna apologize to her! 657 00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:02,460 She just made a spectacle in front of the entire family 658 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:04,254 and in front of the ham! 659 00:25:04,254 --> 00:25:05,714 Well, you know what? 660 00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:07,882 This is my ham, and you're not having a piece of the ham 661 00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:09,300 until you say you're sorry. 662 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,052 You know what? I don't need any ham! 663 00:25:11,052 --> 00:25:13,596 I got all the Slim Jims I need in the basement! 664 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:15,306 Come on, Dennis. - Good call, Buddy. 665 00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:21,688 All I wanted was a nice Christmas. 666 00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:28,695 OK, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh? 667 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,572 Water into wine, here we go. 668 00:25:30,572 --> 00:25:33,033 Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho. 669 00:25:33,033 --> 00:25:35,660 Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho. 670 00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:37,746 All right, try it. 671 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,710 - Still water. - Fuck! 672 00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:44,878 Oh, you know what? 673 00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,254 It's 'cause we don't have the wand. 674 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:04,939 What? 675 00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:08,485 Hey, we brought you some ham 676 00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:09,778 in case you're still hungry. 677 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:12,614 - Where is it? - Oh. 678 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,869 Yeah, it's touching a five, so... 679 00:26:17,869 --> 00:26:18,995 Oh, look at that. 680 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,830 What do you guys want? 681 00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:22,624 We just wanted to see how you're doing. 682 00:26:22,624 --> 00:26:24,668 - Shitty. - Wait, you're leaving? 683 00:26:24,668 --> 00:26:26,294 Yeah, I thought I'd go somewhere 684 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,754 a little more tolerant, 685 00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,756 like Iran. 686 00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:31,925 Listen, Blaire, 687 00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:33,259 we just wanted to say, you know, 688 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:36,096 Teddy and I are totally cool with you being-- 689 00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:39,015 you know, just in case you were wondering. 690 00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:41,017 I don't need your approval. 691 00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:42,352 No. Yeah, I know that, but-- 692 00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:45,855 No, I--sorry, I get what you meant. 693 00:26:45,855 --> 00:26:47,607 Thanks. - Cool. 694 00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,942 I mean, we love lesbians. 695 00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:50,235 Yeah, like, a lot. 696 00:26:50,235 --> 00:26:52,278 Like, we found some magazines in the woods-- 697 00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:54,406 I get it. 698 00:26:54,406 --> 00:26:57,367 Question--and I hope I'm not out of line here-- 699 00:26:57,367 --> 00:26:59,744 but is it 'cause-- 700 00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:02,831 I mean, did you get a bad dick? 701 00:27:02,831 --> 00:27:05,208 Yeah, that's not how it works. 702 00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:07,794 Look, I'm not 100% one way or the other. 703 00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:11,339 I just--I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. 704 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,967 Also, I got a bad dick. 705 00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:15,135 - Oh, my God! - Oh, that's awesome. 706 00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:16,761 That's awesome. - Ah, no. 707 00:27:16,761 --> 00:27:19,139 That's just a comedy freebie for you guys. 708 00:27:19,139 --> 00:27:21,016 It's bullshit, all right? - Thank you. 709 00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:22,600 Thank you for the Christmas dick joke. 710 00:27:24,060 --> 00:27:25,520 Shit. 711 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,272 I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house 712 00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:28,815 with somebody who treats me like 713 00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:31,401 I have some fucking disease? 714 00:27:31,401 --> 00:27:33,653 Guess there's no chance he's gonna apologize. 715 00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:34,863 You know, if I can offer 716 00:27:34,863 --> 00:27:36,823 a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire? 717 00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:39,325 You're smarter than he is, 718 00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:41,828 so you might have to go talk to him. 719 00:27:41,828 --> 00:27:43,955 Oh, fuck that. 720 00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:45,999 I am not extending an olive branch to somebody 721 00:27:45,999 --> 00:27:47,876 who's against basic equality. 722 00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:49,169 Well, that's the thing, Blaire. 723 00:27:49,169 --> 00:27:51,171 I don't think he's really even against anything. 724 00:27:51,171 --> 00:27:52,422 Think he just didn't want to look stupid 725 00:27:52,422 --> 00:27:53,590 in front of his truck. 726 00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:55,508 Listen to yourself! 727 00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:56,760 OK, then don't do it for Dad. 728 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,178 Do it for Mom. 729 00:27:58,178 --> 00:27:59,971 Look, she's really bummed out right now, 730 00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:02,015 and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. 731 00:28:02,015 --> 00:28:03,933 Look, I know it's gonna suck, but-- 732 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,353 But it's like I say in the book of Romulans: 733 00:28:06,353 --> 00:28:07,645 turn the other cheek. 734 00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:09,356 Do unto others. 735 00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:11,441 Say it, don't spray it. 736 00:28:11,441 --> 00:28:12,692 I'll have what she's having. 737 00:28:12,692 --> 00:28:13,902 You're an idiot. 738 00:28:13,902 --> 00:28:16,029 Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle? 739 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:17,906 - Four hell points. - Four hell points. 740 00:28:17,906 --> 00:28:19,491 What the fuck is a hell point? 741 00:28:19,491 --> 00:28:21,785 It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, 742 00:28:21,785 --> 00:28:23,244 will be tortured forever. 743 00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:25,789 Oh, God. 744 00:28:25,789 --> 00:28:28,541 Ugh, all right, all right, I'll-- 745 00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:30,085 I'll talk to him. 746 00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:32,796 Usually a day or two in traction-- 747 00:28:32,796 --> 00:28:34,547 Now, wait a minute, Frank, I'm the doctor here. 748 00:28:34,547 --> 00:28:36,466 I thought I was the doctor here. 749 00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:37,926 Actually, we're all doctors here. 750 00:28:37,926 --> 00:28:39,344 Even the patient's a doctor here. 751 00:28:39,344 --> 00:28:41,221 Hear, hear. 752 00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:43,515 Will you clowns act like professionals? 753 00:28:43,515 --> 00:28:44,766 All right, I got one for you. 754 00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:46,685 So an airplane's about to crash, right? 755 00:28:46,685 --> 00:28:49,562 A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and yells, 756 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:50,772 we're all gonna die! 757 00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,649 Someone make me feel like a real woman! 758 00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:54,609 The guy sitting next to her takes off his shirt, 759 00:28:54,609 --> 00:28:56,569 and he says, here, iron this. 760 00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:58,905 - Right? 761 00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:00,907 Yeah, right. - That's a good one. 762 00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:03,410 Yeah, see, that's how it's gonna be down here. 763 00:29:03,410 --> 00:29:06,246 Just you and me and jokes about chicks doing chores. 764 00:29:06,246 --> 00:29:07,539 Matty? 765 00:29:07,539 --> 00:29:10,583 Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi-Ann. 766 00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:13,712 Dennis, I'd like to talk to my uncle. 767 00:29:13,712 --> 00:29:14,921 Can you give us a second? 768 00:29:14,921 --> 00:29:16,756 Hey, anything you want to say to me, 769 00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,466 you can say in front of Dennis here. 770 00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:21,052 Fine. 771 00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:26,808 Look, I don't expect us to agree on politics, all right? 772 00:29:26,808 --> 00:29:28,935 That's just never gonna happen. 773 00:29:28,935 --> 00:29:31,563 But this isn't about politics. 774 00:29:31,563 --> 00:29:33,481 This is about who I am. 775 00:29:36,651 --> 00:29:38,820 Matty... 776 00:29:38,820 --> 00:29:41,781 like it or not, we're family. 777 00:29:41,781 --> 00:29:43,283 I don't talk to my parents anymore, 778 00:29:43,283 --> 00:29:45,785 so you and Aunt Suze are all I've got. 779 00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,246 I don't want to lose you too. 780 00:29:48,246 --> 00:29:50,498 I'm your niece, and I just-- 781 00:29:54,085 --> 00:29:56,171 I just think it's really fucking shitty 782 00:29:56,171 --> 00:29:59,591 and unfair that you can't accept me for who I am. 783 00:29:59,591 --> 00:30:03,011 Hey, it's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve. 784 00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:06,056 So all the fucked-up things that he says, 785 00:30:06,056 --> 00:30:08,683 is that really what you think too? 786 00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,270 Don't back down, Matty. This is your house. 787 00:30:14,814 --> 00:30:16,733 Well, then I guess you're an intolerant prick, 788 00:30:16,733 --> 00:30:18,610 just like he is. 789 00:30:18,610 --> 00:30:20,904 Have a good Christmas with truck Hitler. 790 00:30:20,904 --> 00:30:22,197 I'm out of here. 791 00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,786 Jesus, they always bring up Hitler 792 00:30:27,786 --> 00:30:29,371 when they're losing an argument. 793 00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:32,040 And by the way, not everything he did was-- 794 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,792 I need another beer. 795 00:30:33,792 --> 00:30:35,585 Why didn't you tell her off? 796 00:30:35,585 --> 00:30:37,504 What the hell was I supposed to say? 797 00:30:37,504 --> 00:30:40,090 You remind her who pays the bills around here. 798 00:30:40,090 --> 00:30:42,175 You tell her to stop giving God the finger. 799 00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:44,010 Ah. You don't know nothing. 800 00:30:44,010 --> 00:30:45,345 Oh, no shit? 801 00:30:45,345 --> 00:30:47,806 Well, now I see why Johnny's the way he is. 802 00:30:47,806 --> 00:30:49,391 What do you mean? 803 00:30:49,391 --> 00:30:50,767 Your son is 16. 804 00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,769 He ain't got a girlfriend. He doesn't play sports. 805 00:30:52,769 --> 00:30:54,854 He spends all of his time in his room with a teddy bear 806 00:30:54,854 --> 00:30:56,314 doing fuck knows what. 807 00:30:56,314 --> 00:30:57,899 For all you know, he's minty. 808 00:30:57,899 --> 00:30:59,025 Minty? 809 00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,360 What the fuck is minty? 810 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,779 You know, he's trimming the crust off the bread. 811 00:31:02,779 --> 00:31:03,863 What? 812 00:31:03,863 --> 00:31:05,115 He's raking his leaves at night. 813 00:31:05,115 --> 00:31:06,866 He ain't throwing away all his peach pits, 814 00:31:06,866 --> 00:31:07,951 if you know what I'm saying. 815 00:31:07,951 --> 00:31:09,369 I don't have a fucking clue. 816 00:31:09,369 --> 00:31:11,705 He's picking his eggshells out of the compost. 817 00:31:11,705 --> 00:31:12,914 Come on, you know what I mean. 818 00:31:12,914 --> 00:31:14,374 Your kid's a cheese puncher. 819 00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:17,335 Hey, don't talk to me about my son, you asshole! 820 00:31:17,335 --> 00:31:19,254 Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, I'm the only one in this house 821 00:31:19,254 --> 00:31:20,797 who doesn't lie to you. 822 00:31:28,179 --> 00:31:29,597 I know what I'm gonna do. 823 00:31:29,597 --> 00:31:30,557 Great. Let's go. 824 00:31:30,557 --> 00:31:31,641 You stay here. 825 00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:38,064 Hey, can you change the channel to the game? 826 00:31:41,151 --> 00:31:42,777 Ah, look at this. 827 00:31:42,777 --> 00:31:44,362 Fucking Clinton. 828 00:31:46,823 --> 00:31:48,742 You guys in separate beds? 829 00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:49,743 Yeah. 830 00:31:49,743 --> 00:31:51,036 Good. 831 00:32:36,456 --> 00:32:37,582 What? 832 00:32:42,712 --> 00:32:45,256 I grew up different. 833 00:32:48,551 --> 00:32:50,303 I'm-- 834 00:32:50,303 --> 00:32:53,139 but I'm not one of those guys. 835 00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:58,895 I mean, I don't understand how you can do what you do... 836 00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:01,356 - OK. - But--but--but... 837 00:33:06,611 --> 00:33:11,032 I don't want you to feel unwelcome in my house. 838 00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:13,660 Uh-huh. 839 00:33:16,121 --> 00:33:18,206 I'm not great with this stuff. 840 00:33:19,582 --> 00:33:21,459 But... 841 00:33:22,544 --> 00:33:24,963 It's good that you're here-- 842 00:33:24,963 --> 00:33:26,381 for John. 843 00:33:27,549 --> 00:33:29,217 Sure. 844 00:33:31,011 --> 00:33:35,181 The other day, I farted, and he said it was pungent. 845 00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:38,184 And I guess that's a word. 846 00:33:38,184 --> 00:33:41,521 So he's learning stuff 847 00:33:41,521 --> 00:33:43,064 with you around. 848 00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:51,197 And Christmas is just a whole thing for Susan too. 849 00:33:51,197 --> 00:33:54,325 So yeah, she wants you here. 850 00:34:01,458 --> 00:34:03,501 And I-- 851 00:34:03,501 --> 00:34:06,629 I don't want to be a shitty uncle. 852 00:34:06,629 --> 00:34:08,423 I'm sorry. 853 00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:20,560 I'm not the only one you disrespected. 854 00:34:25,106 --> 00:34:27,233 Sarah... 855 00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:29,611 you're invited to Christmas. 856 00:34:31,321 --> 00:34:34,240 And I'm sorry that I called you a terrorist. 857 00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:37,577 You--you never called me that. 858 00:34:37,577 --> 00:34:39,871 Oh, that's right. You were out of the room. 859 00:34:41,831 --> 00:34:43,625 Well, what about Dennis? 860 00:34:49,881 --> 00:34:51,716 I guess he's got to go. 861 00:34:54,302 --> 00:34:56,763 Son of a bitch. 862 00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:04,562 Hey. 863 00:35:04,562 --> 00:35:05,814 Dennis? 864 00:35:11,778 --> 00:35:13,279 I'm the one you're gonna get rid of, 865 00:35:13,279 --> 00:35:14,739 you piece-of-shit fuck face? 866 00:35:14,739 --> 00:35:17,617 Jesus, what the fuck are you trying to do, kill me? 867 00:35:17,617 --> 00:35:20,412 I come to life for you, and this is the thanks I get? 868 00:35:20,412 --> 00:35:21,871 Huh? 869 00:35:21,871 --> 00:35:24,124 What have you got to say for yourself? 870 00:35:24,124 --> 00:35:26,042 I don't want to kick you out, Dennis, 871 00:35:26,042 --> 00:35:27,419 but my family comes first! 872 00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:29,629 Oh, come the fuck on. 873 00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:32,507 It ain't worked out with you the way I thought it would. 874 00:35:32,507 --> 00:35:35,468 I backed you up every time, just like you wanted. 875 00:35:35,468 --> 00:35:38,013 I didn't want to make my niece cry, for God's sakes. 876 00:35:38,013 --> 00:35:39,389 Why you got to be such a prick? 877 00:35:39,389 --> 00:35:41,057 Oh, what, so now you're on her side? 878 00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:42,642 I'm not on anybody's side. 879 00:35:42,642 --> 00:35:46,438 But... she's not hurting anybody, God damn it. 880 00:35:46,438 --> 00:35:47,981 It's hurting society. 881 00:35:47,981 --> 00:35:50,984 This is why Kennedy blew his own brains out in Dallas. 882 00:35:50,984 --> 00:35:52,193 What the fuck? 883 00:35:52,193 --> 00:35:53,486 Oh, don't be naive. 884 00:35:53,486 --> 00:35:54,738 What the hell is your problem? 885 00:35:54,738 --> 00:35:56,573 Oh, oh, I'm the one with the problem? 886 00:35:56,573 --> 00:35:58,658 Yeah. Why the fuck are you digging in like this? 887 00:35:58,658 --> 00:36:00,452 I want to know. - You want to know why, Matty? 888 00:36:00,452 --> 00:36:01,745 - Yeah. - You want to know why? 889 00:36:01,745 --> 00:36:02,746 Why? 890 00:36:02,746 --> 00:36:04,789 Because I have thoughts of men! 891 00:36:11,254 --> 00:36:12,380 What? 892 00:36:12,380 --> 00:36:15,342 I have thoughts of men. 893 00:36:16,343 --> 00:36:18,178 Sexual thoughts. 894 00:36:18,178 --> 00:36:21,306 I want to do to men 895 00:36:21,306 --> 00:36:23,558 what you want to do to women. 896 00:36:25,769 --> 00:36:28,355 - You're saying-- - I'm gay, Matty. 897 00:36:29,272 --> 00:36:30,648 I'm gay. 898 00:36:32,817 --> 00:36:33,985 Oh. 899 00:36:33,985 --> 00:36:36,529 God, I-- 900 00:36:36,529 --> 00:36:38,573 I can't believe I just said it. 901 00:36:39,407 --> 00:36:42,202 - Uh-- - Ah, shit! 902 00:36:42,202 --> 00:36:44,371 What the fuck have I been doing? 903 00:36:44,371 --> 00:36:47,082 I've wasted my whole goddamn life, 904 00:36:47,082 --> 00:36:50,335 three days down the drain, 905 00:36:50,335 --> 00:36:53,254 and I've never allowed myself to love. 906 00:36:54,673 --> 00:36:56,841 - Well, I mean... 907 00:36:56,841 --> 00:36:57,884 You could always-- 908 00:36:57,884 --> 00:36:59,427 Ah, it's too late now. 909 00:36:59,427 --> 00:37:01,680 I'm old and I'm rusty. 910 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:03,682 I don't know what to do, Matty. 911 00:37:03,682 --> 00:37:07,268 I don't know what to do or who to be or how to be it. 912 00:37:11,606 --> 00:37:13,274 Oh, God. 913 00:37:15,068 --> 00:37:16,403 When I was a kid... 914 00:37:18,154 --> 00:37:19,781 You were always there for me. 915 00:37:21,574 --> 00:37:23,743 Well, I'm gonna be there for you. 916 00:37:39,926 --> 00:37:42,137 I love you, pal. 917 00:37:52,397 --> 00:37:54,232 So I guess this is it. 918 00:37:54,232 --> 00:37:55,775 Yeah. 919 00:37:55,775 --> 00:37:57,152 Thanks, Dennis. 920 00:37:57,152 --> 00:37:59,237 For what? 921 00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:01,489 All those years growing up. 922 00:38:02,657 --> 00:38:04,576 Mom and Dad fighting in the other room. 923 00:38:04,576 --> 00:38:06,828 Hell, fighting in the same room. 924 00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:10,707 Playing with you was what got me through it. 925 00:38:10,707 --> 00:38:11,833 Nuh-uh. 926 00:38:11,833 --> 00:38:14,711 Thank you, Matty, for being who you are. 927 00:38:14,711 --> 00:38:16,629 I don't think there's a more tolerant man 928 00:38:16,629 --> 00:38:18,340 in the greater Boston area. 929 00:38:18,340 --> 00:38:20,550 That's probably true. 930 00:38:20,550 --> 00:38:22,635 You sure you don't want a sweater, Dennis? 931 00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:24,679 No, no. I work hard on my body. 932 00:38:24,679 --> 00:38:26,139 I want everyone to see it. 933 00:38:26,139 --> 00:38:27,515 So where you gonna go? 934 00:38:27,515 --> 00:38:28,808 I'm going to P-Town. 935 00:38:28,808 --> 00:38:30,435 Got a lot of catching up to do. 936 00:38:30,435 --> 00:38:33,104 Gonna be wild, nonstop sucking, fucking, 937 00:38:33,104 --> 00:38:34,564 and trucking for this guy. 938 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,067 Goodbye, Bennetts. 939 00:38:55,126 --> 00:38:57,712 Well, I Jesus-ed the shit out of that one. 940 00:38:57,712 --> 00:38:58,630 You? 941 00:38:58,630 --> 00:38:59,798 You didn't do anything. 942 00:38:59,798 --> 00:39:02,050 Eh, I worked in mysterious ways. 943 00:39:02,050 --> 00:39:03,301 How? 944 00:39:03,301 --> 00:39:05,261 Where there was only one set of footprints, 945 00:39:05,261 --> 00:39:06,638 that's where I carried you. 946 00:39:06,638 --> 00:39:08,973 You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. 947 00:39:08,973 --> 00:39:10,058 You barely moved. 948 00:39:10,058 --> 00:39:12,394 When it most appears I'm not Jesus, 949 00:39:12,394 --> 00:39:13,895 that's when you need faith. 950 00:39:13,895 --> 00:39:16,398 Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right? 951 00:39:16,398 --> 00:39:18,358 Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper, 952 00:39:18,358 --> 00:39:19,859 and they gave him the chocolate factory. 953 00:39:19,859 --> 00:39:21,027 I mean, I think that's what happened. 954 00:39:21,027 --> 00:39:22,779 I'm reading, like, two books at once. 955 00:39:22,779 --> 00:39:25,448 They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins. 956 00:39:25,448 --> 00:39:26,491 Wait, what? 957 00:39:26,491 --> 00:39:27,701 It was so nice of him 958 00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:30,286 to let them do that for us, wasn't it? 959 00:39:30,286 --> 00:39:31,996 - They killed him? - Yeah. 960 00:39:31,996 --> 00:39:34,290 Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out. 961 00:39:34,290 --> 00:39:36,084 Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. 962 00:39:36,084 --> 00:39:37,794 Buddha was lazy, right? 963 00:39:37,794 --> 00:39:39,295 ♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪ 964 00:39:39,295 --> 00:39:40,839 This is a lot of good shit. 965 00:39:40,839 --> 00:39:42,716 Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. 966 00:39:42,716 --> 00:39:44,801 Oh, you're welcome, John-John. 967 00:39:44,801 --> 00:39:46,219 Hey, thanks for this, Johnny. 968 00:39:46,219 --> 00:39:47,512 I been wanting a Talkboy. 969 00:39:47,512 --> 00:39:50,098 Now I can record all my thoughts. 970 00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:51,975 Douche. 971 00:39:51,975 --> 00:39:53,143 Douche. 972 00:39:53,143 --> 00:39:54,602 Now I won't forget. 973 00:39:54,602 --> 00:39:57,313 Blaire, open that one up. That one's from me. 974 00:39:57,313 --> 00:40:01,109 ♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪ 975 00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:02,569 Gingerly. 976 00:40:02,569 --> 00:40:07,615 ♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪ 977 00:40:07,615 --> 00:40:09,868 Oh... wow. 978 00:40:09,868 --> 00:40:11,578 I know how much you girls love 979 00:40:11,578 --> 00:40:15,040 those "Beverly Hills 90210" boys. 980 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,958 Ian Ziering. 981 00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,668 Thank you. 982 00:40:18,668 --> 00:40:19,836 It's for your room. 983 00:40:19,836 --> 00:40:21,755 Yeah, no, I know what it's for. 984 00:40:21,755 --> 00:40:23,506 Thank you, Aunt Suze. 985 00:40:23,506 --> 00:40:25,258 Should we go hang it up right now? 986 00:40:25,258 --> 00:40:27,802 Oh, you know what? 987 00:40:27,802 --> 00:40:29,137 I want to think really hard 988 00:40:29,137 --> 00:40:30,764 about where I want to put it, you know? 989 00:40:30,764 --> 00:40:32,223 - OK. - It's just too special, so... 990 00:40:32,223 --> 00:40:33,600 All right. 991 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:34,768 You happy, Susan? 992 00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:37,270 Oh, Matty, I'm so happy. I love it. 993 00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:40,440 Yeah, they said this one had the most sucking power. 994 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,609 I'm sure it sucks wonderfully. 995 00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,571 Oh, you know what? 996 00:40:46,571 --> 00:40:49,032 I almost forgot. 997 00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:50,033 There's one more. 998 00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:53,661 ♪ When you're in town ♪ 999 00:40:53,661 --> 00:40:59,417 ♪ Later on, we'll conspire ♪ 1000 00:40:59,417 --> 00:41:01,127 ♪ As we dream ♪ 1001 00:41:01,127 --> 00:41:02,587 Merry Christmas, Susan. 1002 00:41:02,587 --> 00:41:06,466 ♪ By the fire ♪ 1003 00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:12,972 ♪ To face unafraid the plans that we made ♪ 1004 00:41:12,972 --> 00:41:17,310 ♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪ 1005 00:41:21,106 --> 00:41:23,817 A karaoke machine! 1006 00:41:23,817 --> 00:41:27,654 Yeah, I figured you could sing... 1007 00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:30,323 you know, your solo. 1008 00:41:32,158 --> 00:41:34,661 I love you so much. 1009 00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:37,997 Oh, honey, thank you. 1010 00:41:37,997 --> 00:41:39,290 Oh. 1011 00:41:48,174 --> 00:41:52,637 ♪ Silent night ♪ 1012 00:41:52,637 --> 00:41:57,267 ♪ Holy night ♪ 1013 00:41:57,267 --> 00:42:01,646 ♪ All is calm ♪ 1014 00:42:01,646 --> 00:42:05,984 ♪ All is bright ♪ 1015 00:42:05,984 --> 00:42:10,655 ♪ Round yon virgin ♪ 1016 00:42:10,655 --> 00:42:15,243 ♪ Mother and child ♪ 1017 00:42:15,243 --> 00:42:18,872 ♪ Holy infant ♪ 1018 00:42:18,872 --> 00:42:24,044 ♪ So tender and mild ♪ 1019 00:42:24,044 --> 00:42:28,715 ♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪ 1020 00:42:28,715 --> 00:42:33,219 ♪ Peace ♪ 1021 00:42:33,219 --> 00:42:34,804 ♪ Sleep ♪ 1022 00:42:34,804 --> 00:42:41,436 ♪ In heavenly peace ♪ 1023 00:42:44,731 --> 00:42:49,069 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful ♪ 1024 00:42:49,069 --> 00:42:52,322 ♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪ 1025 00:42:53,907 --> 00:42:57,619 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 1026 00:42:57,619 --> 00:43:00,372 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 1027 00:43:00,372 --> 00:43:03,667 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 1028 00:43:03,667 --> 00:43:07,087 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 1029 00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:13,385 ♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪ 1030 00:43:13,385 --> 00:43:15,220 ♪ Best friend is me ♪